How to Approach Deployment When Your Love Language is Quality Time
How to Approach Deployment When Your Love Language is Quality Time
Y'all I know deployment is tough when your love language is quality time and it's the very thing you don't receive consistently throughout the experience! (This is my love language, too.) Hear stories, one tip, and the one thing I've avoided talking about on this podcast, but the bubble has now bursted!
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The Heart of a Milspouse Podcast is hosted by Jayla Rae Ardelean, Late Career Army Milspouse + Mentor.
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Episode Transcription Below:
Jayla Rae (00:35):
Well, hello there. And welcome back to The Heart of a Milspouse Podcast asked this week. I wanted to talk about love languages, partly because honestly it's been on my mind for the entirety of this deployment. And secondly, my goodness, it is almost Valentine's day. And this is the part of the, I knew that I was going to dread. And let me, let me start by saying that it's not, that Valentine's day is my favorite holiday of the year. I mean, we've had several years together where it was sort of like lackluster and we were fine with that, cuz we're more anniversary and birthday type people. We do have like this little tradition of fondue or charcuterie on Valentine's day. I think it's a great time of year to prepare something special. And my idea of preparing a special meal, either fondue or charcuterie and my husband knows that.
Jayla Rae (01:46):
So that's one thing. I mean I, yes. Do I appreciate flowers? I love flowers. Do I love receiving chocolate typically, especially if it's the good, but like it's not, it's not like a necessity. Like this holiday is not a necessity to me. However, am I going to be sad on this Valentine's day? Because I don't get the opportunity to do any of this 100%. Absolutely. I'm not really looking forward to that feeling. Because I think what happens after sadness of not getting to experience Valentine's day this year with Jeremy is the fact that it, it will follow up with a sense of loneliness and that kind of, I don't know, single girl mentality might come up, even though I am 100% not single. I think the, the thought process is, well, I wish I had somebody on this holiday and I wish that I could do something.
Jayla Rae (02:49):
And let me think about all the people out there who are currently celebrating with the loves of their life and I am alone and all the things. So I'm probably gonna have that moment Def yeah, probably gonna have that moment. And I'm just gonna allow myself to have that moment. I think it's important to feel it because it actually puts back into perspective that these kinds of things don't feel as important to you year to year. But then when you don't get the opportunity to experience them, they're a little more important than you thought a little bit more important than you thought. So I think it's just teaching, at least for me, I think it's just teaching me that opportunities to spend time with my husband and to show him that I love him. And Valentine's Day being one of those opportunities. It does feel sad to not have it.
Jayla Rae (03:45):
I'm sure. I don't know. Well, I can't say I'm sure, but I hope he sends me some flowers. I hope, you know, there's at least a moment for us where we get to express some feelings and we get to be cheesy and we get to do all the things. But apart from that, why we're here, I wanted to talk about love languages during deployment and no, I'm, I'm not gonna go into all of the love languages. And if you don't know what love languages are, there's simply ways that each of us express our love to one another. And what tends to happen is you pair up with somebody who has a completely opposite love language than you do. And so, especially in the beginning of the relationship or, or maybe even over time, cause you kind of like lose your way or lose traction. You realize that you're speaking different languages. So there are a few, I think there are five. So there's quality time, physical touch, acts of service, words of affirmation.
Jayla Rae (04:49):
And I feel like I'm forgetting one. Which 1:00 AM I forgetting? Okay, well I'm literally, <laugh> apparently I'm Googling this right now because it has left my, my brain. Why can't I remember this? Oh, gifts. Hello. Hi. Okay. So clearly that's not my love language because I could not remember it. Okay. So words of affirmation, acts of service receiving gifts, quality time or physical touch. So what also tends to happen is that we express one love language commonly, but we sometimes expect to receive a different love language from our partners. So love languages have been popular for years and years. They were designed by this old white dude named Gary Chapman. I don't know, I've never read the book. I just know what they are. I took a quiz at one point and the quiz had a really hard time pinning down because I am a little bit high maintenance.
Jayla Rae (05:50):
I scored really high in three of those categories and it's really hard for me to choose a primary, but if I were backed into a corner and someone was like, you only have to choose one, just choose one it's quality time. For me, it is absolutely quality time. And I think about, I think about what has upset me about our relationship in the past too. And I get really upset and really pissy and really disconnected when we don't spend quality intentional time together when you've been married for a while and you don't really have plans. Oh my gosh. Especially during a pandemic, like you don't really have plans to go out. There's nothing really happening. Start to feel a little bit monotonous. Like that's when I start to go a little bit crazy and I feel like I don't matter. And I spin it into this entire story about how my husband doesn't wanna date me anymore.
Jayla Rae (06:54):
And I'm such a disgusting human and that must be the reason and oh my goodness, y'all I spin out. I spin out. I spin out. But that is the number one thing that has been consistent for me in all of my relationships, not just my marriage to Jeremy is that if you don't pay me quality attention with like putting your phone away, asking me to do something, instead of just assuming that we are going to do things together and making it feel a little bit more of a special, like a special experience, then I'm gonna be upset because that's how I want to receive love. That is what is ultimately is like most important to me. And here is the iron any and all of that. Do we get to spend quality time with our spouses when they are deployed? The answer is no, the answer is absolutely not.
Jayla Rae (07:49):
Do I get to video chat with him? And sometimes those calls are really nice and lovely and it does feel like a date. I mean, yeah, that does happen. And do you think that I have a little bit more privileges when it comes to communication than other spouses that I speak to who, you know, don't hear from they're deployed SP spouse because they're out at sea and can only communicate via email or, or whatever for extended periods of time, or it is a combat situation. Ours is not a combat deployment. There's so much that goes into this, right? It doesn't make the communication really any less easy. It's just that it's, it is different. It is different for us. And we do have a little bit more access to each other in communicating, but here's the flip side of that, knowing that we do have access to one another and that we can send texts to each other when it starts to get monotonous.
Jayla Rae (08:51):
And we haven't made a quality like check in point of like, Hey, I am going to call you at this time on this day, are you free? And the answer is yes, and it is a coordinated effort. And I know that I'm gonna get to talk to him if we go weeks and weeks without one of those checkpoints. And it's happened a, a couple times these past few months, that's again, when I start to feel like my love language is not being met and it's frustrating for me, it feels like it starts to feel like I am not a priority and I need to feel like a priority in order to feel secure in my relationship. And, and Jeremy is amazing at showing me that I am a priority. It's not that he isn't good at doing that. It's just that I've had to express that over and over and over again for him to finally understand what is underneath the surface there.
Jayla Rae (09:52):
And what's underneath the surface is that, that is how I receive and want to receive love. I just wanna spend time with you. And I wanna know that I'm a priority of yours. And I mentioned before that, like it's, I was a little harder to pin down with that because I also thought, oh my gosh, I also need a lot of words of affirmation. And I also need physical touch. I'm a gift person. I do love acts of service, but it's not, it's not high on the list either. But again, yeah, if you, if you had to ask me for one it's, it's definitely quality time. I know I'm not the only one too, because this is the conundrum it's like, how do you, how do you get your love language needs Metre a deployment. And unfortunately the answer to that question is usually you have to find a way you have to find a way to get that need met without your spouse being a part of the equation.
Jayla Rae (10:52):
And okay, let me, I know that sounds weird because the whole point is to like show and receive love. And of course those things are going to happen during deployment and it's fine, but at the same time, it's not the way it's never the way in which you imagine it. It's never the way that you hope for. It's always those moments that take you by surprise that actually make you feel more loved and appreciated than the, the planned times. And like the coordinated times, I just wish that they weren't. So few and far between basically is, is what's happening. I can't control any of this. Like Jeremy's doing his best to communicate with me and I'm doing my best to keep my together, but I miss him so much. And the fact that we can't have quality time together has really affected me. So there are a couple things that I've done to help to support myself and to cope with that. And first of all, early on, within the first month of the deployment, it occurred to me that this was going to be what was hard.
Jayla Rae (12:03):
Hey, milspouse. I interrupt this episode to ask you a really important question. If you have a deployed spouse, I wonder what it would look like for you. If you could get support on this journey now, instead of shoving your needs down for the 50th time. If you already know you need something like this, I have a deployment support kit for you. Head on over to jaylarae.com/deployment kit to grab your free resources created just for you to help you establish a routine while your spouse is deployed. Just kidding. <Laugh> I'm not gonna tell you about how to establish a routine, but I am gonna tell you about how to get more emotional support in your life. So head on over to jaylarae.com/deployment kit, and I'll include it in the show notes as well.
Jayla Rae (13:00):
So since then, since that first month, I've been looking for ways to satisfy my need for quality time with things that have nothing to do with Jeremy <laugh>. And one of those is taking like quality self-care moments for myself. I wanna vomit. I hate saying the word I hate saying self-care just because it's so it's so overused and there's so many people out there who are misusing it as well. And I'm talking about like the deep self care. I'm talking about the time where I spend like time doing exactly what it is that I want to do with zero guilt, zero shame, and being completely unapologetic about it. It's the moments where, oh my gosh, I can I say this on a podcast? I think, I mean, I know I can say this on a podcast, but I've really been struggling to get here to feel comfortable enough to, to say this on a podcast, solo sex is a possibility during deployment.
Jayla Rae (14:10):
It's not something that I needed to rely on, or I consistently engaged in for, to this deployment, but this deployment has forced me to think about that very differently and to think about my needs and my desires very differently, because I was literally going to explode if I didn't do something for myself. So there are times there are ways there ways to make like quality time dates with yourself and they may involve self care activities. They may involve times where you unplug where you take a bath, where you do a face mask where you journal, where you go to therapy, where you have solo sex, where you talk to your partner about like what it is that you're feeling and things that you wanna do for yourself, or, you know, going to the gym or working out at home are hiring a personal trainer or doing things that are intentional spaces of time that are simply for you and only for you.
Jayla Rae (15:22):
And it's okay that they are just for you. So I've gotten decent, fairly decent at spending quality time with myself. And I'm proud of myself for getting to that point. I'm still sad that I had to do it. I'm still sad that it's our reality, but we are about se like almost seven months into this deployment and we have several more months to go. This is scheduled to be 12 months long. There's a tiny chance. I hate saying this out loud, but there's a tiny chance that it's gonna get shortened to about 10 and a half months, which would be great, but I don't know if that's gonna happen. I'm not putting my eggs in that basket. I'm just planning for 12 I'm I'm planning for 12. So we have 8, 9, 10, 1 12. We have 8, 9 1. I can't count. We have four more months of this former months of this less R and R, where we get have all of the quality time together that we could possibly dream of and make it as special as possible.
Jayla Rae (16:25):
But really in the past seven months, I've had to get really intentional with my schedule and putting things on the calendar and understanding when it is that I need that quality time for myself. What are my triggers and how I can just plan for it ahead of time so that I don't get to the point where I'm so burnt out that taking quality time for myself just gets me like at a minimum, it doesn't actually get me above a bar or anything. It just gets me back to zero instead of being below zero. I think what I, maybe I should explain that a little bit. So I'm a part of an Enneagram-related membership with Vanessa Fernandez. Her Instagram handle is @theenneagramworkshop. I adore her. I think she's an incredible engram coach and teacher and leader.
Jayla Rae (17:23):
She is, she has created such an inviting and warm space. And we've been meeting for the past, I guess it's been about, yeah, I guess it's been about six months now. So it's been quite a while. And she brought this concept to the group of, you know, are you below the bar at bar or above the bar, meaning your energy, your openness, your willingness those kinds of things. And for the first few months of, of meeting with the group, those were also the first few months of the deployment. And so I was below the bar a lot of the time. And then at one point I was at the bar, I was, I was right there. I was normal. I wasn't like above I and feeling super energetic. I wasn't feeling super open to meeting new people, but I was at least a little bit back to myself.
Jayla Rae (18:17):
And then there have been times where I am above the bar where I am just ready for the next step. I'm so excited to be moving forward. And I am, you know, relating all this back to the, enneagram too. It's, it's thinking about those personal triggers and it's thinking about what drains you and what's going on in your life. And, you know, at those times in those early months, I was still in really heavy grieving periods for my stepdad who passed away. And then my grandma, just to few months after that and you know, and Jeremy was deployed and I didn't have like the real in like in real time support while I can't talk in real time support <laugh> I didn't have that, and so I was just feeling so below the bar a lot of the time, and so physically, emotionally and mentally drained, but at one point or another, I kind of started to climb up and like get to a normal bar level.
Jayla Rae (19:19):
And then eventually I was above the bar and I thought that was a really useful way to think of, think of your energy and how you're accessing it around you basically. <Affirmative> so, yeah, that's, that's just a little bit about like, background about that. And so I, I know now I've also determined certain like activities when I am below the bar that kind of get me to a more normal stabilized place. And I also know what sends me into like a high bar situation when I am feeling a little bit more normal and stabilized. And a lot of this goes back to giving myself quality time and expressing that love language to myself. And I, I a part of me really hates that I am here telling you all of this, because gosh, I can only imagine, like, if I'm in your shoes and I open up this podcast episode and I'm like, what she's gonna tell me to spend quality time with myself.
Jayla Rae (20:29):
If my love language is quality time, how that make any sense? I'm so irritated. I would probably be irritated by that response too, but I'll just tell you that it's been working for me and you know what, it may not work for you, but I'm trying to find ways to cope better and to suffer less <laugh> and spending quality time with myself has been one of those savior things that has truly, truly helped. So take it for what it's worth. You can take it with a grain of salt because maybe this doesn't help you at all. And maybe what would help help you is to focus on a different love language for the time during the deployment and placing more emphasis there and understanding that, you know, maybe for the time being in this, in, in this weird time, that would work better for you.
Jayla Rae (21:21):
I think that's a great like plan B my plan a was to figure out how do I fulfill this need? And I will do I'll try and I'll do everything that I can to get just to, at a normal stabilized level. So, yeah. So when we talk about Valentine's day and how we don't really get these opportunities to spend time with our spouse, because they are deployed, maybe they're on TDY. Maybe they are just simply traveling for work. They're at a training exercise, you know, the military doesn't care, what day is on the calendar. They truly don't. And this is one of those holidays that could just like sneak by. And maybe you don't place as much emphasis on it this year. It's just too painful to do that because it is important to you, or it's only important to you because they're deployed like <laugh>, which is kind of where, kind of where, where I'm feeling like.
Jayla Rae (22:23):
But I do think we will try to actually it's on a Monday, isn't it? I think it's on a Monday this year, so I'm not sure if we're gonna try to coordinate a date or, you know, something, but I know that on Valentine's Day, this year, whether I get to talk to Jeremy or not, I'm gonna schedule quality time for myself and I'm gonna block my calendar and I'm gonna be, you know, I'm gonna be really intentional with like, I'm leaving work at this. And then I am going into relaxation mode, or I am going into, you know, let's go to the gym and let's go take care of ourselves and be active and be and just feel physically capable and feel strong because that's another way to show myself that I care about myself, enough to spend quality time with myself. So that's kind of where that's kind of where I'm at right now.
Jayla Rae (23:16):
So yeah, let me know what you think of this. If this is making sense to you, I would love to know that pop on over to the Instagram post related to this episode. Let me know, even if it's you too, that quality time is your love language. I would just love to know who, who you are in this community and, and what that means to you. And if you have any other tips for military spouses out there, when it to Valentine's day or love languages or anything related to this topic, you can definitely leave those, leave those in the comments on that post as well. And I'll figure out a way to share them whether that's in stories or in another post. I think it's helpful to hear from those who have gone through deployments before, and then to also remember that you get to choose if you want to take advice or not.
Jayla Rae (24:11):
Okay. Y'all well, we can part ways now I will part ways with your earbuds. And I'll see you next time on The Heart of a Milspouse Podcast. If you're enjoying it, please rate and review a over on apple, even if you're a Spotify listener, if you could pop over there and leave a little review, I'd really appreciate it really helps get this podcast into the hands of those who need it and need deployment support, and may be feeling feeling limited or isolated out there. And just need a little bit of virtual love bombing, which I am here to provide for you. All right y'all bye.